Denham Cricket Club

Denham Sunday XI vs Odney

August 29th 2010

Odd-Bods

By Guest Reporter Russell Bowry

Basically, in a nutshell, to be brief, not to elaborate, Sunday’s game versus Oddney was not a classic. The important features were that the weather was sunny and windy, the pitch was slow and muddy, the tea was cheap and tasty, Bill Nicholas’s tank-top was old and filthy and the opposition were keen and friendly. There were no pink wafers at tea, James Nicholas did not scab a cheap fifty, Hemen Mehta did not die, your mum did not turn up and at the end of the day words are meaningless and forgettable. Sohail Anwar did well with the ball, taking 3 for 11, and Hashim Zaheer did well with the bat, scoring 54*. Chasing 131, Denham won by 8 wkts and there is nothing less to say.

August 28 Mixed fortunes against Hurley. Both the Ones and Twos were inserted and bowled out cheaply (145 and 132). James Nicholas (4/28) and Mark Shepherd (3/40) soon got to work for the Ones, who won by 46 runs, but Hurley 2nds scraped past their target with 2 wickets to spare despite Hemen Mehta's best efforts (3/43).

Birkbeck College vs Denham Sunday XI

August 22nd 2010

The Case of the Birkbeck Pasta Salad

By Guest Reporter Russell Bowry

Midweek, Denham were struggling to raise a team to play Birkbeck College on Sunday as several regulars gave poor excuses to avoid travelling to Greenford. According to Captain Harish Bhatt, James Nicholas was picking flowers for his girlfriend, Hashim Zaheer was washing his hair and Faisal Mahmood was on his period. Club Chariman Bill Nicholas also turned down the opportunity of a rare game, claiming he was participating in a smokathon, when in actual fact, he was just annoyed that he couldn’t make any money out of the fixture.

Fortunately the persistence of skipper Bhatt meant Denham were able to field eleven “players”, if by players you can include included distant relatives of Bhatt himself and two people who had not played since the late 1980s.

One of these men, Bret Slee – no relation to the Australian international - had not played a real game since school and had restricted himself to “netting” over the last few years. When asked about his ability to bowl he instructed captain Bhatt that he should only be brought on if Denham wanted to lose the game! This may sound like an obscure suggestion, but if one had seen Denham’s efforts during the match, one could have rightly assumed that losing was their intention, and wondered in fact why Slee was not considered to bowl.

So, whether it was the weakness of the team, the memories of forever looking for balls in hedges during last year’s fixture, or the fact this may have been one match too many in a never-ending season, it seemed the Denham players were determined to finish the match ASAP, by gifting victory to Birkbeck.

After losing the toss Denham were asked to bat and wickets were donated at regular intervals, but Ricky Bhatt – the nephew of Harish – had moved to 26 easily enough. But by this point, his gloves had become quite sweaty, and the bat grip all manky, meaning he was unable to maintain a proper technique. Of course, he could have had them changed, but having never played for Denham before and seen the efforts of the other batsmen he assumed that finishing the match quickly was the main priority and decided to loft a simple catch to mid-on and give someone else a go.

Russell Bowry then came in and scored 64*, but by gifting the strike to the other batsmen, who fell to wiley old-timer Pyle (4 for 20), he ensured Denham were all out for 168 in just 33 overs.

As a quick finish seemed the intention it was fortunate that the tea was not one to be savoured. A revolting pasta salad was served, and most players were more concerned with throwing it away without the tea-lady noticing than trying to eat it.

Bobby Rai, having foolishly piled his plate high with the filth, hid his food behind the sofa, and was deemed a coward by the other players. However, his actions were subsequently deemed wise after the tea-lady found the leftovers and mistakenly thought the fully-plastered Hemen Mehta was to blame. She ran back to her kitchen, collected her bread knife, and after a half-century of slashes, Mehta was no more. But the good news was this inspired a hasty retreat back to the pitch…

… where opening bowlers Siddique and Raithwaite quickly conceeded 52 runs in the first 6 overs, and then the combined filth of Bhatt and Bowry gently helped Birbeck towards their target.

With Birkbeck 120 for 1 in next to no time, the game looked to be finishing soon, but then Sohail Anwar was asked to bowl and somehow produced 3 ruppies in two overs which reduced Birbeck to 130 for 4. With a painstaking and time-consuming scramble over the line possible, skipper Bhatt quickly removed Anwar from the attack to allow Birkbeck the runs needed for their six-wicket victory.

The innings lasted only 26 overs and many of the players were back home before 19:00, allowing them to indulge in an evening of mind-numbing entertainment.

Had they played, James Nicholas would still have had time to pick flowers, Hashim Zaheer could have washed and conditioned his hair, and Bill Nicholas could have smoked his tits off. But there was nothing that Faisal Mahmood could do about his period – he would have whinged, moaned and bled all game long.

August 21 Meanwhile the Ones lost to Holyport by 59 runs despite the best efforts of Shepherd (3 for 53), Malik (69) andShokat (55), and the Twos had a walkover gift of 25 points from Braywood, but both stay mid-table.

August 7 The Twos weren't playing, but the Ones absolutely trounced Englefield. First Russell Bowry batted like a dream (110*) and then James Nicholas (7 for) and Mark Shepherd (4 for) did the business with the ball

July 31 Great weekend for Denham with both League teams winning - congrats to Faisal Mahmood (4/47 and 53*) and Mark Shepherd (3/51) who helped the Ones beat Little Kingshill, and to M Singh (41) and Jack Grover (7/43 - wow!) who inspired the Twos to an unlikely 11-run win over Hawridge & Cholesbury.

Datchet vs Denham Sunday XI

August 1st 2010

The Legend of Lion Bara

By Guest Reporter Russell Bowry

The Denham Sunday XI made a rare trip away from Cheapside Lane this week to play Datchet. Whilst this pleased some of the players who quite rightly fancied a change of scenery, there was one man not amused by the move - Club Chairman Bill Nicholas. How on earth would Denham make any money out of an away fixture, where there would be no chance to rip-off the opposition by charging a ludicrous amount for the tea? Nicholas senior was therefore made to suffer as he watched Denham players and fans alike queue up at the Datchet bar to buy refreshments throughout the game.

Having been asked to bat first, Denham made a great start to the match, with a 100-run partnership betweenRulach and Extras being brought up in just the 14th over. Rulach was dismissed shortly after one run short of a deserved 50, and as the better bowlers came on, the run rate stalled, and more wickets fell. It looked like Denham would be denied a competitive total, but then Bitchie Raithwaite played an innings of such greatness it changed both the course of his life, and of the match.

This ineffable innings of 27 captured the hearts and minds of all who played, none more so than Datchet all-rounder Shepherd, who was convinced he was watching Brian Lara batting. It did not take long for Denham to warp this comparison into giving Bitchie his new knickname - Lion Bara.

It took even less time for Nestle to jump on the bandwagon and seek a way of making money out of the great man. Within minutes their marketing department had come up with this: These commemorative edition Lion Bara Lion bars were delivered just in time for tea and all the players bought one. As they ate them, they were already reminiscing on Bara's unstoppable late leaves for four; his midwicket clip which somehow bulleted past point for a boundary; and the absolute highlight - the world's first ever single run backwards. What an innings it was. And it gave Denham a good chance of victory with a score of 222 for 7 from 40 overs.

It was only natural that the Denham players went back to the field with great reluctance. They knew that the rest of the match would pale in comparison with Bara's knock. Andy Kirby tried to lift the mood by taking a wicket with the first ball of the Datchet innings and he continued to bowl effectively, eventually removing the other opener. But even with Morgan Rees bowling superbly at the other end, a collapse did not ensue.

After 20 overs, Datchet had reached 120 for 2, and looked odds on to win. The 3rd wicket pair of Finn and Sheperd were starting to twat the ball to the boundary more easily than your mum's tits and skipper James Nicholas only had himself, the fully plastered Hemen Mehta and absolute buffoon Hashim Zaheer left to bowl. Things did not look good. It was a great surprise therefore when Zaheer somehow managed to take the prize wicket of Sheperd (42) with a random bouncer. This sparked a Denham fightback, with Hemen Mehta then proceeding to take three crucial middle order wickets.

At 169 for 7 with 12 overs to go, it looked like Datchet had blown it. However, Denham defector Hussain(54*), and the turbaned talent that was Heer (4*), managed to negotiate Nicholas's own bowling to see Datchet home in the penultimate over to earn them a three wicket victory. In the end Bara's faultless innings of 27 was not good enough to win the game for Denham.

And in the end Club Chairman Bill Nicholas was even more pissed off as Nestle refused to sell him bulk supplies of the commemorative edition Lion Bara lion bars, fearing he may charge obscene prices for them back at Cheapside Lane. Unfortunately Nicholas took his anger out on the closest thing to him - Hemen Mehta. But whilst the Chairman's tank top allowed him to swing strongly and freely at the unsuspecting spinner, it was Mehta's plasters that made the difference, when they acted like little knuckle-dusters as he retaliated and punched the living daylights out of the enraged old man. A great riddle had finally been solved. It can only be hoped that Hemen removed his plasters before he returned home to his wife…

June 19th The news of the Ones continues to be bad. Best not ask. And the Twos are mid-table but getting rusty (only 3 games played in their league on Saturday).

Denham Sunday XI v St Johns Wood

June 20th 2010

Joe O'Hara Recovers from a Ducking

By Guest Reporter Russell Bowry